*Since there have been some that have come along this blog recently I felt led to share the testimony that the Good Lord has given me to share about suicide. I apologize to those that have already read it as I am NOT bragging but have found there are many struggling in this area. I want to reassure them through what The Lord has done for me and MANY others that there IS hope… HIS NAME IS JESUS~JESUS THE CHRIST~ THE TRUE PHYSICIAN! ❤
God’s Golden Glow
As a child growing up I had always felt a void. It was an empty black void. Growing up in “different circumstances” I had been taught by one parent that everything that happened bad was because of God. So my perception of God was hate. I had grown up grumbling at Him hating Him and myself. Thinking that everything that was happening to me was because of Him. It seemed as though I were always being “punished” and I couldn’t figure out why.
As a teenager I became promiscuous-had an eating dis-order, drank and did drugs. I tried desperately to fill that void with these things only to be right back where I started-empty and full of void and lonely. I compare it to how the world must have been before God made it. EMPTY-BLACK-LONELY-FULL OF VOID-black is not even a descriptive enough word for depression. I had so much hate on my heart towards life and God and had attempted suicide twice. Some say if you really want to kill yourself you can. That’s not always true-I was a teenager and did NOT know how. I knew I wanted out of my misery though. GOD KNOWS, I TRIED!!
I had been on anti-depressants and found all they did was make me loopy they NEVER took the depression away. So I would stop taking them thinking okay-this IS the way it is and I am going to have to live through it. I learned to just get through life. So I dealt with it on my own. Some days I would just shut down. I would work and then come home and not talk to anyone for days. Then, I would have days that I was extremely high or extremely low-there was no “happy medium”. (I was never diagnosed bi-polar/manic depressive but do believe that is what I would have been diagnosed with.)
On July 28, 1986 at the age of 20 I gave birth to my oldest son I looked at him after he was born and cried and thought, “THERE HAS GOT TO BE A GOD-A GOOD GOD! This little baby is such a miracle-he didn’t come from no where!” That was the thought I had and left it at that. That was also the first KIND thought I had towards God. Shortly after, the depression settled back into my every being.
As time went on I found myself pregnant with my second child.
One night I had gone to bed. I was in a deep state of depression. Suicide was now the only way I saw to escape….as I lay there in the dark with my oldest baby in his crib at my feet-pregnant-I began to weep-I couldn’t quit-I was trying to figure a way to escape from the dark-to end it all through suicide. Then all of a sudden I remembered someone that had been in my life. She loved the Lord with all her heart. She would insist to me that He was good as I would watch things “bad” happen to her. When she lost her only daughter (someone that was a good friend of mine- that was the love of her life and mine) she STILL thought God was great! I could not understand that! I went to her and asked her “do you still love God?”. She said ,”Yes. My heart is broken but HE is still good.” I flat out told her “I am TIRED of this God and I have had enough” and left.” I thought “She is nuts”! I wasn’t able to comprehend how she could love a “bad” God that kept inflicting pain on her heart. I had remained close to her and loved her as I had become her substitute daughter. While in the midst of being broken hearted and weeping I had remembered this special lady and how much she loved the Lord and in a last ditch effort I cried to Him. Not thinking He would hear me or that He would care about me because so many times I screamed at Him and blasphemed Him-and cursed Him-WHY SHOULD HE LISTEN TO ME? I thought as I wept uncontrollably. I said “God, I don’t know if you are there-I don’t know if you care or know who I am-BUT I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER DAY OF BLACK-I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER DAY OF LONELINESS I CAN’T TAKE….” Then bam out of no where came a glow- I call it God’s Golden Glow now-it started at the top of my head and washed threw my whole body to the end’s of my toes! It was a PEACE! A peace I had never-ever known! I was stunned-I KNEW it was a peace from God-I had been so hateful to Him and people in my life and there He was when I didn’t even deserve to be listened to by Him!! He didn’t let me kill myself! HE SAVED ME FROM LITERAL DEATH! WOW!
I have learned a lot since that day and it has taken me many years to come to the knowledge that we rest in what God has already done for us. We love the Lord and keep the faith no matter what! Just as that special lady had done so many years ago! I know now how she did that. I NEVER EVER thought I would know that day! I believe this special lady was placed in my life for a reason-God placed her there under “different circumstances”. HE knew because of her faith in Him He would save me from MURDERING myself and my only daughter one day….I do not believe people are in our lives by chance-God has shown me He does the placing of those people. Could it happened from some one else in my life if she hadn’t of been part of it? Maybe? But that’s not how He chose to work it! I learned FAITH in Jesus and what He did for us for our eternity is the best depression medication ever-it’s free and no withdrawals!
I THANK GOD He so graciously let me live that day. A lot of things have happened since-some bad-some good. He has shown me it is easy to get through those things because they are “BUT FOR THE MOMENT..” compared to an eternity with Him.
I leave you with these 2 verses of scripture that I didn’t even know that dark day:
1) Psalm 53 :1-The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Corrupt are they, and have done abominable iniquity: there is none that doeth good.”
(This was me- a fool-a LONELY DARK FOOL)
2) Psalm 138:3-In the day when I cried thou answeredest me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.
(This is me now!)
AWESOME! GOD IS THE MOST AWESOME!!
To who ever reads the testimony God has given me to be shared in due time, may you feel God’s Glorious power that He can give such a deep dark heart!
LOVE- The FORMER wretch He saved!!