**This is my personal testimony that The Lord has allowed me to share (this is the short version 🙂 ) .**
As a child growing up I had always felt a void. It was an empty black void. Growing up in “different circumstances” I had been taught by one parent that everything that happened bad was because of God. So my perception of God was hate. I had grown up grumbling at Him hating Him and myself. Thinking that everything that was happening to me …was because of Him. It seemed as though I were always being “punished” and I couldn’t figure out why.As a teenager I became promiscuous-rebellious-had an eating disorder-drank and did drugs. I tried desperately to fill that void with these things only to be right back where I started-empty and full of void and lonely-black is not even a descriptive enough word for depression. I had so much hate on my heart towards life and God and had attempted suicide twice in my early teen years. I needed out of my misery!I had been on antidepressants and found all they did was make me loopy they NEVER cured me. So I would stop taking them thinking okay-this IS the way it is and I am going to have to live through it. I learned to just get through life. So I dealt with it on my own. Some days I would just shut down. I would work and then come home and not talk to anyone for days. I would have days that I was extremely high or extremely low-there was no “happy medium”.
On July 28, 1986 at the age of 20 I gave birth to my oldest son. I looked at him after he was born and cried and thought, “THERE HAS GOT TO BE A GOD-A GOOD GOD SOME WHERE!”
This little baby is such a miracle-he didn’t come from nowhere!” That was the thought I had and left it at that. That was also the first KIND thought I had towards God. Shortly after that depression settled back in to my every being.
As time went on I found myself pregnant with my second child.
One night I had gone to bed. I was in a deep state of depression, suicide was now the only way I saw to escape….as I lay there in the dark with my oldest baby in his crib at my feet-pregnant-I began to weep-I couldn’t quit-I was trying to figure a way to escape from the dark-to end it all. Then all of a sudden I rememberd someone that had been in my life. She loved the Lord with all her heart. She would insist to me that He was good as I would watch “bad” things happen to her. When she lost her only daughter (someone that was a good friend of mine) she STILL thought God was great! I could not understand that! I went to her and asked her “do you still love this God?”. She said ,”Yes. My heart is broken but HE is still good.” I flat out told her “I am TIRED of this God and I have had enough” and left. I thought “She is nuts”! I wasn’t able to comprehend how she could love a “bad” God that kept inflicting pain on her heart and mine. I had remained close to her and loved her the way I knew how as I had become her substitute daughter.
While in the midst of being broken hearted and weeping I had remembered this special lady and how much she loved the Lord and in a last ditch effort I cried to Him. Not thinking He would hear me or that He would care about me because so many times I screamed at Him and blasphemed Him-and cursed Him-WHY SHOULD HE LISTEN TO ME? I thought as I wept uncontrollably. I said “God, I don’t know if you are there-I don’t know if you care or know who I am-BUT I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER DAY OF BLACK-I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER DAY OF LONELINESS I CAN”T TAKE….” Then bam out of no where came what I can only describe as a soft glow- I call it God’s Golden Glow now-it started at the top of my head and washed threw my whole body to the end’s of my toes! It was a PEACE! A peace I had never-ever known! I was stunned-I KNEW it was a peace from God-I had been so hateful to Him and people in my life and there He was when I didn’t even deserve to be listened to by Him!! He didn’t let me kill myself! HE SAVED ME FROM LITERAL DEATH! WOW!
I have learned alot since that day and it has taken me many years to come to the knowledge that we rest in what God has already done for us through Jesus-our Saviour. We love the Lord and keep the faith no matter what! Just as that special lady had done so many years ago! I know now how she did that. I NEVER EVER thought I would know that day! I believe this special lady was placed in my life for a reason-God placed her there under “different circumstances”. HE knew because of her faith in Him He would save me from MURDERING myself and my only daughter one day….I do not believe people are in our lives by chance-God has shown me He does the placing of those people. It could have happened some other way? Sure could have! But that’s not how He chose to work it!
I have learned FAITH in Jesus and what He did for us for our eternity is the best depression medication ever-it’s free and no withdrawals
I THANK GOD He so graciously let me live that day. Alot of things have happened since-some bad-some good. He has shown me that life in this world is not always easy but with faith it is possible to get through it. AND I DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALONE! HE IS WITH ME ALWAYS!
(This WAS me- a fool-a LONELY DARK FOOL)
2) Psalm 138:3-In the day when I cried thou answeredest me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.
(This IS me now!)
AWESOME! GOD IS THE MOST AWESOME!!
To who ever reads may you feel God’s Glorious power of peace that He can give such a deep dark empty, hate filled heart! A PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING! REPENT AND BE SAVED!